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So you wanna be a hunter? Well, for all of you people who want to try out hunting for the first time, here’s a bit of a guide I’ve put together showing some things you should know.

To start off, you can’t be a wimp if you’re gonna be a hunter. You’ve gotta have nerves of steel, and one big thermos of coffee if you really want to be a good hunter. You have to get up pretty early in the morning to fool those animals into walking, flying, hopping, trotting, waltzing, or doing the Macarena (?) into the sights of your gun! In fact, you’re gonna have to get up so early that the TV will have infomercials on, you won’t get to read your paper, the birds won’t yet have started chirping, and the mall won’t even be open yet (oh the horror!) .

Now, for all you guys who think hunting is a crappy sport compared to basketball or football, let’s say, I’ll do a few comparisons for ya. First of all, hunting is the only sport where you get the chance to, let alone must, carry a big gun! Just think about it-If you gave a bunch of football players a twelve-guage shotgun, told them, “Get that ball over into that end of the field at all costs!”, well, you’d have an interesting game at least, even if it would be over very quickly and you’d need undertakers sitting on the sidelines.

In hunting you gut out your prey that you’ve got, and then eat them. I don’t know about you, but I’m guessing a football, even though it’s made of pigskin, would taste pretty nasty. Here’s one noticable difference between hunting and most regular sports-in most sports, the spectators are the people drinking and eating a lot, but in hunting the actual participants are the ones doing all that fun stuff! Now don’t think this is a bad thing. I love it! I mean, you don’t bring health-food-crap along, you’ve gotta eat “huntin’ food” when you’re out there. “Huntin’ food” includes the following: candy bars, Twinkies, Little Debbies, granola bars (preferably dipped in chocolate) , caramel rolls, bologna sandwiches, any kind of fruit, hot chocolate, cappucino, pop, and also beer for the older folks (Sometimes the kids too, unfortunately. Tsk tsk!) . In fact, anything that provides you at least half of your daily calorie intake will do good, as long as it tastes good!

Oh, and don't worry about losing some of your favorite parts from your normal sports, either. Everybody loves a football game when it's snowing, and hunters jump at the chance to go out when it's snowing, too. Football fans may enjoy lobbing snowballs at the player's heads, but hunters get to do better things, such as lobbing steel shot BBs at some heads! Yeeeee-hawwww!

So, now that you’ve gotten all warmed up to the idea of hunting, you may be wondering, “Oh great. Now I’m all pumped up to go get food for hunting, but I don't wanna go to the supermarket and look all nerdy! I wanna be macho!” Well then, Mr. Macho Man, here's an idea. Go to the store dressed in camo, wearing a bright blaze orange vest and socks, and have somebody that's handy with a sewing machine make you an interchangeable bag that has blaze orange on one side and camoflauge on the other, and put your items into that! You'll be the talk, not to mention the joke, of the town!

OK, now that you got'cher huntin' food, you get to go out and do the most macho thing of all. You get to go down to your nearest hunting store, look at all the neat stuff they got down there, and act macho and tell stories to the clerks about how you bagged the biggest goose of your life! To heck with the actual purchasing, that can be done when they're about to kick you out of the store after closing time, but you get to look cool by looking around at the awesome decoys and targets they got. Then you get to look at the boxes and boxes and rows and row of ammo all decked out in supreme macho fashion! And then, once you really think you can handle it, you can mosey on over to the almighty gun section and be the big dude that you've made yourself up to be by now, even if you haven't hunted a day in your life before! You get to hold the guns up, look through 'em as if you're aiming at something, and even aim at some of the big game heads on the wall! It's gr-r-r-reat! If you're feeling particularly angry, go over to the automatic and semi-auto guns. Go grab some sleek black-stalked gun, sit its barrel on a bipod, and start to get flashbacks to 'Nam!

"Go Freddy! I got'cher back! Weev gotta moovit, moovit, moovit!"


"Nooooooo! Dey got Freddy! Dem &@$^@*! foreigners! You pay for dat wun!"

And then you'll realize you've been yelling this out the whole time in Scheels All Sports and then the mall security will come over and kindly escort you over to your car.

Anyway, I hope you’ll go out now and get a hunting license! It really is fun! All the way from getting up while it’s still the dead of night, to watching the sun chase away the stars and moon, to even watching as the flock of geese you were sneaking up on flies away just as you were loading your gun. Oh well...

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Karl Becker, the author of all these articles, uses New Tricks for his writings.

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