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Tabloids have filled our lives with such great information, don't you think? I mean, how could we have lived if we hadnít been informed of some of the most newsworthy articles of the past decade!

In many people's opinion, one of the greatest news articles of the century was brought to us through a tabloid, which was the story of Bat Boy. Man, if we hadnít learned all about the hunting of the bat creature, I donít think I couldíve slept at night! And I think the country breathed a little sigh of relief when it was reported to us, in way too big letters, that Bat Boy had been captured and was safely put in a jail in Alabama. Of course, nobody believed that since Bat Boy had been reportedly been seen eating in a tavern here in North Dakota with Elvis Presley just earlier that week!

Also, a few citizens were struck with terror when they read that Bigfoot had been arrested by the Seattle police for opening a bar in the city limits without a liquor license, only to be released the next day when his wife came and posted bail.

Those items, though, were on a small basis. Bat Boy was only reported in small communities, and Bigfoot was only working out of one of the suburbs of Seattle, so neither of those stories got much national press. So you may be questioning the validity of some of these tabloids, since you may have never heard of those stories. Well, how about I refresh your memory about a few bigger articles.

Think back to the summer of 1994. The country was breathless as they read about a series of undisclosed peace talks that President Bill Clinton had with extraterrestrials! It's true! They even had a very clear picture of the president shaking hands with an outer space being that was plastered on newsstands around the country (Most of them being gas stations and supermarkets) .

Later in the summer, it was found out that Newt Gingrich also talked with the alien being and found that the food on its planet were nowhere near the quality or the abundance of the food here on Earth. In fact, Mr. Gingrich lost 30 pounds that summer by meeting too frequently with the alien, thus not getting enough food to meet his daily requirements. He was cold during the winter, since he hadn't the layer of blubber that he had all the years before that.

It's only fair that you, the American public, ask, "Why wasn't this story ever covered by the Associated Press?" Well, to any regular tabloid reader, the answer is clear. But to those of you who can't quite see the truth as clearly as others, I'll spell it out for you: Conspiracy. Yes, it's actually a cover-up by many international agencies, including Microsoft Corp., the Japanese Mafia, and a small company based in Memphis, Tennessee, which builds and maintains helicopters. Now, this last company may not sound odd to you, but when it was found out that the only color the helicopters come in is black, we immediately knew that these were 'Black Helicopters.' These babies would be patrolling our country by sunup, flying in whisper mode so that they are all but invisible and silent to the average person.

Now that this conspiracy has been uncovered, what can you do? First of all, I advise everyone to build a bomb shelter in your back yard. Go to a hardware shop, clean out their inventory of metal, and come back and build a shelter at least 30 feet below the ground. Why 30 feet, you ask? I'd think this would be obvious to even the most uneducated man. You see, if you don't go underneath the ground at least thirty feet, a new x-ray technology that's being developed by an unidentifiable man living in remote Idaho will be able to see right through the ground at you!

Don't believe me? You should! This technology was the same that found out that Elvis Presley's tomb was empty and that the flower clock at the International Peace Garden is actually a cooling unit housing the body of Walt Disney! It was first tested at many fashion shows to see if the operator could see through the models' clothing, and it did! The operator soon discovered that the models were barely wearing anything at all though, so he had to go back to the drawing board. Later he reinvented it and, with help from the Japanese Mafia, soon developed it to 'look' beneath the ground 30 feet!

So I plead with you, don't believe what you hear on the news and in newspapers! The tabloids are the only real places to get answer! The Men In Black use it as their number one source for getting information about aliens, so why shouldn't you?

Note: This was a joke! I used a tool of the writer called sarcasm, and this is purely to be taken as a joke.

Note to Frederic Smith:

Here's the revised part. I just sent the final page (3 of 3) .

--Karl Becker

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